Here is a simple truth: When you hold on to bitterness or resentment it holds on to you! It controls you, determines the way you think, makes your decisions for you. And it doesn't let go until you do!
You see, resentment is really two words Re - sent. When you hold onto the anger and bitterness of resentment you are the one who loses because it all gets re- sent back to you. The dictionary claims that "to resent" is "to take strong exception to what is thought to be unjust, unfair, etc.," but I feel that resentment goes much further than that. If I were to define resentment, I'd say it is a poison emotion that eats away at a person's peace of mind, mental well-being, and ability to treat others well. Resentment is a lack of acceptance and a lack of forgiveness.
Resentment says volumes about the person who resents, but very little about the people or actions that are resented. Get that truth - bitterness and resentment says volumes about you and very little about the people or actions you resent. I know you were wronged but when you hold onto bitterness and resentment you are the one who pays the price.
It's very easy to fall into the trap of resentment--other people put us in position to do so almost daily when they do things that are unthinking or uncaring. Someone else gets the job or the admission into a school even though you're far more qualified; you're not invited to the party that everyone else is to; someone else may meet with great success even though they don't work nearly as hard as we do; someone may say something rude to us or about us behind our backs. Or worse yet, someone you depended on or trusted lets you down or hurts you deeply - maybe permanently. All great reasons to be bitter! But what do all these things mean? What do they really mean? These are all other people's actions, reflections of other people's personalities or abilities, yet we allow them to cause us to become resentful.
Where resentment is concerned, I like to keep in mind Earl Nightingale's words: the world just doesn't care. Most people have their own troubles and hurts and quickly forget about yours. So what do we do? We remind everyone we can every chance we can. We constantly bring up the hurt, inject it into every conversation. We email and text and tell everyone in an all out effort to make sure everyone knows what's been done to us. In the end, our bitterness gets tiring and we alienate those we need the most.
Listen to me, things are what they are, and they aren't what they aren't, and no amount of resentment is going to change that. The world will go on without that promotion or with those words having been said about you or with what was done to you. The world won't stop!
On the day you die, these things will mean nothing at all. So why allow them to mean something today? Why allow them to rob you of the peace of mind that may make this day very pleasant? Another writer says this, "The cloud of resentment blocks out the sunshine; it's a wall that prevents the soft spring breeze of healing from reaching your skin."
Of course, this is all easy to say. I've had times in my life when I've been quite resentful of things that have happened that have hurt me considerably, both emotionally and financially. I've held on to the resentment against the people who did what they did for quite a long time even though I tried very hard, on a very conscious level, to rid myself of the feelings. No matter how hard I tried, though, the feelings stayed, and they always crept back into my mind to haunt me. They made me miserable, and I didn't know how to deal with them.
Here are some ideas...
One of the biggest steps that helped me finally to rid myself of the thoughts had to do with ceremony. As human beings, we need certain ceremonies to allow certain feelings to pass; therein lies the value of funerals, wakes, weddings, etc. We begin anew, allowing the ceremony to serve as a right of passage from our old world into our new. I devised a very simple ceremony, which involved another step--forgiveness. Just the other day I wrote down the names of the people who had harmed me on a very small piece of paper, and as I was driving down the highway, I took each paper, looked at the name, thought of the person, then said aloud: "I forgive you, and I don't allow your actions to have any more power over my life." I then threw the piece of paper out the window of my car, never to be seen again. If I had been in a more spiteful or vindictive mood, I suppose I might have flushed the pieces of paper down the toilet, claiming poetic justice, but that probably wouldn't have been as effective.
Another principal that comes into play in that situation was acceptance, which has a lot to do with faith. Things were as they were, and I had to accept that. I had tried to fight the situation, but I had been for the most part unsuccessful (until some time later, when all of my claims were proven true). I had to realize that what happens in life happens for my best -- my faith in God guarantees that. Even when things go "wrong" in my estimation they can turn out for the best when God is in it. What's "right" for me may not be the "best" for me in the long run. If I accept things - even the hurts - as they are and as they have been, I can focus on today instead of obsessing about the past, even if it's the very recent past.
People who hold on to resentment are really only hurting themselves a great deal and they usually don't even see it. They're poisoning their minds and their bodies with stress and negative feelings and, in plain language, it is sin. They're holding back the happiness and contentment and peace of mind that God has planned for them. It's not easy to rid yourself of resentment, but always remember--the person you resent is going through a great deal of pain him or herself. As Longfellow says, "If we could read the secret history of our enemies, we should find in each man's life sorrow and suffering enough to disarm all hostility." Or resentment, I add.
"Nothing on earth consumes a man more than the passion of resentment." ~~ Friedrich Nietzsche